FUNNY KIDS
The Boy is a Junior at a private college prep school. Some of the stories he tells me are pretty entertaining. I thought I’d share three with you today:
Lunchtime Conversation:
Friend: “Hey are you working part-time for UPS?”
Girl: “No.”
Friend: “That’s funny. I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.”
All: Laughter
Spanish class. Teacher has students come up to the blackboard and write something in Spanish about United States geography:
Student: La capital de Illinois es Chicago.
Teacher: “Excellent. Very good!”
The Boy: “Yeah. Right. Very good. Too bad Chicago isn’t the capitol of Illinois.”
One of The Boy’s friends had a gag cell phone that sent a little jolt of electricity through the body of anyone who happened to push the on/off button.
-Friend of The Boy gets busted playing with the phone.
-Teacher confiscates it.
-Another boy away from the action tells the teacher she better turn the phone off.
-The teacher presses the on/off button and jumps out of her chair a few inches.
-She doesn’t let on that she’d just had the shit scared out of her.
-Meanwhile, kids are spilling out of chairs onto the floor.
-Class continues
++++++++++
I knew
flies were dirty, but come on!
++++++++++
I’m happy to report that I’ve been smoke-free for over two months now. It’s amazing that I don’t have any cravings for smokes at all. All the other times I tried to quit I had some serious jonesing going on. Coffee and bourbon are my only vices now...well, the only ones I’ll admit to!
++++++++++
I hate city driving. I can drive cross-country like a mofo (drove 32hrs alone, nonstop from Waterbury, CT to La Marque, TX once), but get me in the city during a weekday and I have fits. I’m not talking about road-rage fits, just impatience and intolerance fits.
I’m never in a hurry to get anywhere, and I don’t speed more than 5mph over (10 if traffic permits). My peeve is the Dumbass Driver. You know, the ones on the phone, doing makeup or reading when they can scarcely think and bat their eyes at the same time...or the ones with limited motor skills.
To make a long story short, I found a great way to vent without getting stressed. This only works when the kids aren’t in the car. When I have the misfortune of being within the ass-aura of a DD, I cuss them out. Not in a rage, but rather in a calm, monotone, deliberate, overly-soft voice. I say things that would make even Big Lou blush. I really say some foul stuff. And it really works! Even better than Kramer’s “Serenity Now” chant.
++++++++++
NEW HARLEYS
His
Hers
Yeah, yeah. I know....it ain’t exactly “modern man” of me, or politically correct, but you have to admit it’s funny...dontcha? Come on....say it....say it!
++++++++++
Quote of the Day:
“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.” –Jack Handy
Is it H-A-N-D-Y or H-A-N-D-E-Y?
Lunchtime Conversation:
Friend: “Hey are you working part-time for UPS?”
Girl: “No.”
Friend: “That’s funny. I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.”
All: Laughter
Spanish class. Teacher has students come up to the blackboard and write something in Spanish about United States geography:
Student: La capital de Illinois es Chicago.
Teacher: “Excellent. Very good!”
The Boy: “Yeah. Right. Very good. Too bad Chicago isn’t the capitol of Illinois.”
One of The Boy’s friends had a gag cell phone that sent a little jolt of electricity through the body of anyone who happened to push the on/off button.
-Friend of The Boy gets busted playing with the phone.
-Teacher confiscates it.
-Another boy away from the action tells the teacher she better turn the phone off.
-The teacher presses the on/off button and jumps out of her chair a few inches.
-She doesn’t let on that she’d just had the shit scared out of her.
-Meanwhile, kids are spilling out of chairs onto the floor.
-Class continues
++++++++++
I knew
flies were dirty, but come on!
++++++++++
I’m happy to report that I’ve been smoke-free for over two months now. It’s amazing that I don’t have any cravings for smokes at all. All the other times I tried to quit I had some serious jonesing going on. Coffee and bourbon are my only vices now...well, the only ones I’ll admit to!
++++++++++
I hate city driving. I can drive cross-country like a mofo (drove 32hrs alone, nonstop from Waterbury, CT to La Marque, TX once), but get me in the city during a weekday and I have fits. I’m not talking about road-rage fits, just impatience and intolerance fits.
I’m never in a hurry to get anywhere, and I don’t speed more than 5mph over (10 if traffic permits). My peeve is the Dumbass Driver. You know, the ones on the phone, doing makeup or reading when they can scarcely think and bat their eyes at the same time...or the ones with limited motor skills.
To make a long story short, I found a great way to vent without getting stressed. This only works when the kids aren’t in the car. When I have the misfortune of being within the ass-aura of a DD, I cuss them out. Not in a rage, but rather in a calm, monotone, deliberate, overly-soft voice. I say things that would make even Big Lou blush. I really say some foul stuff. And it really works! Even better than Kramer’s “Serenity Now” chant.
++++++++++
NEW HARLEYS
His
Hers
Yeah, yeah. I know....it ain’t exactly “modern man” of me, or politically correct, but you have to admit it’s funny...dontcha? Come on....say it....say it!
++++++++++
Quote of the Day:
“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.” –Jack Handy
Is it H-A-N-D-Y or H-A-N-D-E-Y?
8 comments:
Bad Carlos! (on the Harley joke)
Good Carlos! on everything else :) good luck on the non-smoking, that's fantastic. And tell The Boy to keep sending quotes!
p.s. I had to look really early today - cuz yesterday I got caught reading your blog at work. Shame on me. Yeah, the guy walks RIGHT into my cube with the big blue screen and the big ol' POOP HAPPENS on it. I didn't even have time to minimize. Caught red handed
Carlos, I've also use that fine art of stress constrol and if they really piss me off and my calm cussing doesn't comepletely get me where I should be I wave at the guilty party and mouth very slowly in hopes they can read my lips "fuck you dick fucking wad, I hope you die today".
So has the boy figured out what college he will be attending? What he wants to major in? Fancy deal, a "private college prep school", is it religious based?
Well have a great day and weekemd!!!
I'm up so early cause I'm off to the writing center to meet w/ the big dog to get help on my litteral "F" essay.
thought the Harley joke was great!
The perfect way to reduce stress is to follow the jerks till they stop somewhere, proceed to pull them out of their car by the hair and kick the shit outa them. Works for me...
Ney as far as the Boy goes, he's young and will still change his mind a few more times about what he wants to be. The important thing here is that he knows the capitol of Illinois which tells us he probably won't go into teaching.
Gotta love the Harley thing, RLB needs to see that one! How is my beautiful San Antonio anyway?
Damn, Carlos,
If I'd known you were cussing me out, I'd have put on my makeup a little slower while driving.
Ivy: I’ll keep posting stories from The Boy. There are many more, but those were the only ones I could remember. Sorry to hear you got busted at work. Hell, I can’t even get to the blog site! The administrators have it blocked.
Nay: Excellent! So I’m not crazy for cussing like I’m crazy! I was wondering about even posting my stress relief technique for fear that someone would have me committed. The Boy doesn’t have a clue what college he wants to attend, but he’s all over the internet signing up for brochures, etc., which is a hell of a lot more than I was doing at his age. He goes to a Catholic prep school, which makes his stories all the funnier.
Y: If the “crazy” technique stops working, I’ll try your way!
Kim: San Antonio is kicking ass! It’s cool and dry, but we’re way under our November rainfall average.
Jules: You’re a peach Jules! :-)
~Y~'s way can get you arrested so I would use that a a last resort. I did one day roll down my window and yell at a woman who stole my parking spot, scared her bad and she acted all innocent and I told her the fuck she didn't see me she was a lying ass bitch, she offered to move and I told her fuck it, she'll get hers. I bet she thinks twice before she steals someone's parking spot again.
Well I'm off to do my volunteer (not community service) work at the foodbank.
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