Sunday, December 18, 2005

Nay's Quest For The Son of Bob (Rated R)

First of all, meet Bob.. Bob is a close friend of Y. Y and I have a mutual friend whom we have both known for a long, long time and love dearly. We call her Nay.

Nay recently found out, through a public service announcement by Y, that it is illegal to have sex in public in Idaho. If you’re caught, you not only get charged with having sex in public, but also with indecent exposure. Unfortunately, the indecent exposure charge applies even if the couple doing the doinking is super hot.

Not one to take chances (right!), Nay has decided to forego all fucking until she gets to Florida where, as Y generously pointed out, the men are hotter. That being the case, I took it upon myself to locate a suitable VVPD (Vibrating Vaginal Penetration Device) for our friend. This VVPD, once selected, will be referred to as Son of Bob.

And so the quest began.

Hoping that I’d actually find a VVPD called “Son of Bob,” that is exactly what I Googled. Here are some select results of my search, Nay:

I knew at once that, not only was this Son of Bob Candidate too big to serve as a VVPD, he probably wouldn’t do ya very good even if he was an appropriate size. I mean, look at him. A mask and a cape? There can’t have been many women in history who have been successfully pleasured by a man sporting a mask and cape. Catwoman? Maybe. Batgirl? Maybe...but not many more.

And this guy? He’d probably want to take the bass with him in case he got bored. And he sure wouldn’t be thumpin’ them strings to satisfy you.

Then I found Jazzy Little Bob. Although that’s a GREAT name for a VVPD, I hardly think you’re into equestrian love.

After a while it occurred to me that, although I was having fun, I wasn’t getting anywhere by continuing to search through the “Son of Bob” Google results.

So, I buckled down. I found many groovy sounding devices, such as:
The Jack Rabbit
The Virtual Bunny
My First Vibrator (not made by Playskool or Fisher Price)
The Happy Birthday
The Classic Chic
The Incognito Lipstick Vibe (Featured below)

I also found that some web sites used nekkidgirliemodels to entice buyers. And it made me wonder why. Wouldn’t it be more appropriate for VVPD distributors to employ well-built male models to peddle these VVPDs? Think about it. If a guy's in the market for a pocket snapper, do you think he’d be inclined to buy from a web site that employed naked men posing with the devices?

Anyway...I digress....

During my quest....

...I found some really classy looking Pyrex VVPDs that I thought were so you! But then I asked myself if you’d really have a need for a sex toy that was microwave and oven safe.

Besides, those beauties run anywhere from $150 to over $700

So I pressed on...

The choices were astounding.

There were G-Spot VVPDs:

There was the Love Prism

Giant black ones with suction cups on them...

Then there was this “Realistic porn star cock with balls” dildo that I found pretty disturbing. I think it was more of a “Realistic Martian cock with balls.” (The veins just ain't right)

I thought this one was ingenious, and that it would be great for a college schoolgirl such as yourself who might find herself in a boring lecture:

Anyway....I finally got back on task and found some practical VVPDs, any one of which could be dubbed Son of Bob. I submit the following devices for your consideration:

Pearl Panther (yes, that’s a little panther)
The Velveteen
Kiwi Gumdrop
Moksha G-Spot
Big Blue
Rotating Blue Jelly Beaver
Family of Bob (Just for the heck of it)
Wet Toy Waterproof
Rabbit Vibe

Let us know!




Quote of the Day:
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. --Jack Handey


R. said...

Cj, “pocket snapper” that cracked me up!!!

Now for the review of your much appreciated concern and search:

The Pearl Panther, 3-pronged assault on your senses:
I’m not sure I’m looking to be assaulted

Velveteen Vibe, ergonomically-designed:
That sounds like something that one is concerned about in the office environment

Kiwi Gumdrop™ Vibe, powered by 1 AA battery:
Would a AA battery provide enough power? I'm thinking not.

Moksha G-Spot Vibe, Makes Your Second Cumming Easier Than Ever!, Far Eastern tradition:
While I like the sound of the second cumming, I’m just not sure if I’m interested in the Far Eastern tradition

Big Blue Waterproof Vibe, beaded anal probe:
Now I’m just not ready for the anal probe, call me a prude

Rotating Blue Jelly Beaver, Uses 4 AA batteries:
Now this one sounds as though it may be a winner

Ultimate Orgasm Kit, Boxed and complete with 2 AA and 2 C batteries:
I’m not that trashy that I’m going to fuck around with Bob’s whole family;). I did think that it was a bonus that Bob’s family does bring their own batteries. I think Bob’s family is a little kinky.

Wet Toy Waterproof Vibe, prostate stimulation (don’t forget the lube!):
As I said I’m a prude and if this guy wants it both ways I’m just going to steer clear cause it won’t be long before I wake up and find him trying to find his way up my sacred ass.

Rabbit iVibe, money back:
How can you go wrong, if the Rabbit iVibe doesn’t excite me I can just return it. I can see it now,
me, “excuse me this didn’t cause me a pulsating, orgasmic good time”
store clerk: well if you weren’t such a fucking prude, sorry you can’t have your money back

Thanks for all your help Cj, I now have it narrowed down to two. You are saving me from getting arrested in Idaho and a little frustration. You're a true pal. :)

R. said...

By the way I love Jack Handey!!!

james is lost said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
james is lost said...

I kind of like the glass ones that are microwavable, in a manly sort of way mind you, but they where psychedelic yeah baby yeah.

The one that looks a whole lot like a Stanley tape measure, looks like it may be a bit painful, so if you know of a sadistic chick, yeah baby yeah.

I was thinking we all should put are heads together (yes I saw the pun and could not help myself), and get Ney one for Christmas.

I for one, think she needs the big black one with the suction cup so she wont loose it someplace.
Why just think if she where to loose it in savers, somebody would find it without a price tag and have to ask for assistance.

Bunny ~N~ Early said...

ROTFLMAO! What a great post! This better make post of the year.
Ney I love your consumer report on each Bob, I think you've missed your calling.
James your take on the best one for Ney being the black one with the suction cup... CLASSIC!
I have to agree with you Cj, I can't see masked Bob doing much for me, or for that matter guitar Bob either. I have however had some masked, handcuffed, guitar players, in extendo chairs with their mouths duct taped shut that have been very stimulating.
I can personally recommend big blue for Ney, good choice.

Sudiegirl said...

OH MY...I think the blue jelly beaver thingie is my fave.

Funny...I didn't see this anywhere on Oprah's 20 favorite things for this year.

I am SO sending this to JULES!

jules said...

I can personally vouch for a couple of those, although the giant black one with suction cup thing scares the hell out of me.
I've always wanted to try one of those pyrex ones, just cuz they look SOOOO cool. And I could display them with my "sex pots" I made in ceramics class. So Santa, if you're listening, I want a psychadellic pyrex dildo. Thanks. Oh, and put one in Mrs. Claus's stocking too.

early said...

Well I have had my fill of prosthetic limbs via Bunny. I don't have much to say there. On the other hand "Little Jazzy Bob" with as shiny as he is; may find a permanent job replacing a donkey in a certain show south of the border. Of course, renamed "The Jazzy Bob Show"

Whistler71 said...

This is one of my favorite posts EVER!
I have went to the website and have concluded that I must have the Clone-A-Willy kit with vibration! See,
I love the real Bob that I have, just don't see him very often and when I do, it's only for a little while!! I love it!!!!

Mike said...

Very cool post!

Jona said...

Mask and a cape, I'm thinking Zorro's quite hot (but I'm not sure if he's a son of Bob ;o))

My first visit and it's safe to say you've made me smile, great post - and useful too :o)

R. said...

Slacker, just cause you have like the greatest post of all time doesn't give you exemption from posting Cj. I miss your wit!

Anonymous said...

omg, they all look so ridiculous! I'll never really 'get' vibrators and dildos. nothing feels better than going to town 'manually' anyway!