Wednesday, October 19, 2005


A friend of mine, who used to be a city cop, told me a rather disturbing story a couple of years ago. Because I’m in a sharing mood this morning, I figured I’d share it with the rest of the world. This story is true:

Some of his cop brethren had a South Texas tweaker under surveillance for one thing or another. They eventually pulled him over and did the cop thing with him. One of the cops noticed that there was a small video camera strapped to the driver-side sun visor. The camera was trained straight down to the seat.

So they hauled the guy in and, as part of the evidence thing, put the video tape from the visor-mounted mini-cam into a VCR and hit the ol’ play button. What the tweaker had been doing in his car was bee-fucking-zarre. What the camera recorded was something like this:

--Driving around town.
--Steering wheel in one hand.
--Chicken in the other (yes, chicken).
--Pulled erect wiener from pants.
--Impaled hen on erect wiener.
--Had rough sex with chicken.
--“Yeah. You like that? You like that don’t, you chicken? Yeah. Mmm....C’mon Chicken...Mmmm...”
--Chicken passed out (understandably so).
--Man revived chicken with red-hot cigarette lighter.
--“You don’t like that, chicken? You know you want it.”

And the love fest continued until the chicken died and was tossed, unceremoniously out the driver’s side window.

Now I understand that everyone has sexual idiosyncrasies, likes, dislikes, kinks, etc., and what I like you may not like, and vice versa. What I’d like to know is this: At what point did this guy decide that he just had to have a chicken? I would love to know that. Did he wake up one morning and have a hankerin’ for a little poultry love? Did he see a hot looking hen on his childhood farm beginning the infatuation? Did the Crisco he used during teenage masturbatory adventures eventually associate fried chicken with sexual gratification and, dare I say, love?
God, I can imagine the epiphany now. After a little quality time sittin’ on the toilet seat dutifully lopin’ the ol' mule, can of Crisco by his side, mommy decides to take the family out for lunch. It hit him as soon as he walked in the door of the KFC. That smell. Warm Crisco and warm flesh. So familiar. He was erect in no time, ogling the piles of uncooked chicken waiting to go into the vats of unhydrogenated vegetable oil. And so the love story began.

Sorry about that. But really now. What kind of fucked up individual thinks that sex with a chicken is awesome? That really bothers me, and so does the fact that people like this live in our midst. It just ain’t right.


Dubya Quote of the Day:
"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."
—Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005


R. said...

That is absolutely nasty and he taped it to watch over and over is just sick!!!
With that said, Cj, you crack me up!!!
-----------------------------------"Did he wake up one morning and have a hankerin’ for a little poultry love?"

This story made me think of one of my all time favorite movies Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask. Where Woody Allen falls in love with a sheep. That is just one of the funny parts of the movie the whole movie was hysterical, Can Transvestites be Transsexuals, I'm going to have to look for that movie to buy, I haven't seen it in probably 20 years but I remember oh so well.

Thanks for doing your blogger duty and sharing and drumming up memories, not of chicken sex but the movie.

By the way I had KFC last night for dinner and do love to EAT chicken now and again.


R. said...

Oh by the way I forgot don't quit with the Dubya quotes, I always feel just a little smarter when I read those. :)

Love from a Tard

rlb3773 said...

Very disturbing.....chicken That was in bad taste.

Karlos said...

It’s been so long since I saw that movie that I remember nothing about it!

I’m afraid to delve into what made that story come to mind. Hearing a cop tell it was even funnier. I should email him and ask him to send it to me. I’d love to have a version that was pinpoint accurate (names changed to protect the innocent of course) to write up.

KFC….for din-din last night eh? That’s when that damned story came to mind. Maybe we were connected on some weird astrophysical, transdimensional layer in bizarro-world!

I’m with ya’ on the quotes. They make me feel like a fuckin’ rocket scientist! Can you imagine what an educational regimen that consisted of a total compilation of those quotes would do for illiteracy?! I should develop a plan and have it patented!

Disturbing and bad taste all in one post! Now if that ain't a bargain, I don't know what is :-)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Sheesh! I didn't need to know this...

Glad to hear you gave up weeds. I did 6 months ago, because I had to, not because I wanted to. But I'm over it.

P.S. Thanks for visiting me.

Karlos said...

Sorry Hoss. Don't judge my blog by the chicken entry alone :-)

Love your blog too. Visit it every day.

Bunny ~N~ Early said...

Here I thought Matt was sick. Is the moral to this story, don't pick up a dead chicken off the side of the road because you don't know where it's been? Or is it, beat up a tweaker before he beats off in a chicken? This is very disturbing...
Luv from Tards 2 & 5