Oral Exploration & Hooters

Okay...I’ll admit I’ve been doing one hell of a lot of blog slacking lately. Actually, I’ve been doing a lot of slacking in general. So sue me!

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Went to the dentist yesterday...again. Got the top half of my mouth juiced up with Novocain this time. While I was reclining, waiting for the juice to spread throughout and numb my face, I was tinkering with my cell phone. I started up Yahoo Instant Messenger and who did I see on line? Kimbo! Being the geek that I am, I massaged messaged her, just to say hi and to see how she was doing. We only exchanged a couple of messages before the hygienist came in to “do me.” It was good to see Kim in good spirits.

Technology amazes me. I work in a field where we deal with some pretty advanced technological concepts, but little things still amaze me. Think about it. I was sitting in a dentist’s chair, exchanging messages with someone in the boonies of New Mexico on a device no bigger than my wallet. Pretty fuckin’ cool if you ask me.

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A few hours shy of exactly a week ago, The Boy and I went out for a new interior door.

We left the house for Lowe’s around noon. On the way, we stopped for gas. I pulled up to the pump. The Boy was fiddling with his Ipod, looking for another play list for our drive.

Before I got out to gas up, a woman walked by the passenger side. First I thought it, then I said it out loud: “Is that woman pregnant or does she just have a weird lookin’ gut?” The boy glanced up but said nothing. As the woman approached the front of the store and prepared to make a ninety-degree turn to the left, I said, “Okay. Look. She’s getting’ ready to turn. Now we’ll find out.” She made her turn. Halfway through the turn I was sure it was an odd-shaped beer gut. Then she completed her change of course and regaled us with a full profile. “Oh my god. Those are her boobs!” I exclaimed. The Boy replied, “That’s disgusting.” And it was. And our eyes suffered greatly.

This woman was wearing a faded pair of those cheap-ass, stretchy denim pants you can probably get four-for-a-dollar at K-Mart. She also had on a raggedy T-shirt, which, under ordinary circumstances, isn’t an issue with me. What was an issue with me was the fact that her mondo-disgusto hooters were hanging down below her waist. I kid you not. They were, without question, the most gruesome, saggy pair of boobs I’d ever seen. And never before had I seen a pair of mammalian protruberances hanging so low from their point of origin. The coup de gras was the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra, so her giant milk bags swayed to and fro, striking fear into any man or animal that came within two feet of her.

Why the hell would someone with such large, saggy gazongas walk around in public in a T-shirt, sans brassiere? That’s just plain rude. Don’t get me wrong. I understand how naturally-large hooters, age, and gravity all work together, but really....that was thoroughly unnecessary.

The Boy and I continued to laugh as I pulled away from the pump. And we both involuntarily stole a glance into the store at the woman who was just plopping her boobs on the counter to make her purchase.

Then, I pulled into traffic.

Then, looking in my rear-view mirror, I spied a dunce on a motorcycle swerving and speeding behind me. He veered into the center lane, passed me and pulled in front of me. What an ass, I thought. As is usually the case with idiots in traffic, we ended up waiting at the same stoplight a few short seconds later. Then The Boy started laughing and pointed out that the guy on the motorcycle could barely reach the ground. I looked and laughed. He was balancing his bike on the very tips of his toes. It was good for a laugh and a hearty making-fun-of by me and The Boy.

A couple of minutes later we were at another stoplight. We looked to the right and saw a guy -- actually, an adult man. He was on the grassy shoulder on a bicycle. The bicycle looked similar to this
picture, only it was much dorkier. It had a really goofy banana seat and was very cheesy. What made it funnier was that the guy was wearing a very cheap looking leather jacket and a helmet. He was sitting on the bike, trying to walk it through an area that must’ve been a little too treacherous for this wannabe Knievel. Poor guy. I think he might’ve been just one taco shy of the combination plate.

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Nay...oh Nay...Where are you? We miss you. I’m gonna start posting pictures of you until you come out of hibernation :-)


Lower Lake Pleasant, AZ, 1978 or so.

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Quote of the Day:
"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself — not here at the hospital, but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch. As a matter of fact, the Colonel asked if I needed first aid when she first saw me. I was able to avoid any major surgical operations here, but thanks for your compassion, Colonel." —George W. Bush, after visiting with wounded veterans from the Amputee Care Center of Brooke Army Medical Center, San Antonio, Texas, Jan. 1, 2006