What a Life
I got home around 4:00pm today. The Warden and the kids were off today. I wasn’t. (H8U, WebMiz!). The Warden & kids got home a few minutes after I did. The Girl went straight for her room to get on line. The Boy went straight for the PS2 and The Warden got to studying. Me? I helped The Warden with one of her papers and, since The Warden & kids ate before they got home, I made myself a couple of grilled cheese sammiches; with ketchup (or is it catsup?) of course.
Right now I’m doing some recreational surfing in front of the tee-vee while sipping on a nice, smooth glass of Canadian whisky straight up (that’s no ice kiddies).
What a life.
++++++++++
Two women at work today were wondering why men in general are less accepting of the idea of two men getting’ jiggy with it than they are of two women. Good question. We all had our ideas. What are yours?
++++++++++
Ever heard of a Phantom Shitter? I haven’t found an “official” definition or explanation of it on the web, but they exist. My knowledge of phantom shitters is limited to what I know of seagoing stories and my one first-hand experience in the Coast Guard.
For reasons that are not precisely defined, a person (usually and understandably anonymously) takes a big ol’ heapin’ dump in a location significant to the reason he or she is doing the phantom shitting. It could be because the person is pissed of about something or someone; then again it could be for no known reason at all.
My one experience with a phantom shitter occurred on a Coast Guard cutter I was stationed on. Four or five of us were enjoying pre-sunrise smokes and coffee on the fantail (that’s the back of the boat) of the ship as was our custom while at sea. When twilight appeared, I noticed a lump of something sitting on the deck about 20 feet away. I uttered something like, “What the fuck is that?” No one knew so I took it upon myself to investigate. I got up and walked over with my coffee in my hand and the cigarette dangling from my mouth. When I was about 5 feet away it was clear that it was a neat little mound of people-poo. It looked as pristine as a pile of shit could possibly look, as if a shit fairy had waved a wand and made it appear. It was nasty, as shit always is, but I admired it for what it was worth. It was more perfect that the most perfect fake Spencer’s poo I’d ever seen. If I was an artist, I’d draw you a suitable rendition of it so you’d all be able to appreciate it with me.
++++++++++
Memory Du Jour:
1973, Arizona
I thought of good ol’ Mr. White today at work while slacking and taking all the Encarta/MSN Geography mini-quizzes on the web site.
Anyway...Mr. White was my sixth grade World Geography teacher, and he was convinced (or at least that’s what he told me) that I would be the next great geographer, geologist, or cartographer (was there ever a last great one of those?). I guess I just had a knack for remember shit like maps, flags, topography, etc. I wonder what happened to the old guy. I’m sure he’s long since passed away, but I still wonder.
Do you think my Encarta/MSN geography scores will qualify my for a job or honorary degree somewhere?
State capital – 100%
State Flags – 58%
State Nicknames – 71%
World Capitols – 60%
World Flags – 73%
World Geography – 90% (I still gots it Mr. White!)
Quote of the Day:
"If I ever went to war, instead of throwing a grenade, I'd throw one of those small pumpkins. Then maybe my enemy would pick up the pumpkin and think about the futility of war. And that would give me the time I need to hit him with a real grenade." -- Jack Handey
6 comments:
The reason it's cool to see two chicks getting it on and not two guys is because the idea of chicks getting it on doesn't subconsciously make you think of fecal matter. That's a fact, no shit. While we're on the topic of shit, I've never had a phantom shitter however Neys X hubby used to threaten to shit in my car. Does that count?
Laughing my ass off at the quote of the day.
ah yes, the phantom shit. I think some turds try to escape by crawling back up the drain after you've flushed. Such a mystery!
ps....I can handle watching two girls going at it, but two guys? uh-uh. I think only homosexuals can appreciate watching that!
Grilled cheese with ketchup is absolutely a comfort food for me.
Phantom shitter reminded me of when my brother and I were around 5 and 2 years old respectively and were taking a bath together. I apparently, so the legend is told, launched a "torpedo" at him: a poop that came up out of the water and headed towards him! Freaked him out as this lethal, mini log cornered him in the tub, and he jumped out of the tub screaming and crying. It's still family legend, although I don't really remember the details specifically myself.
Maybe that's why I later joined the Navy when I graduated from high school. I was a submariner at heart ...
Was that the same Mr. White that taught Geography at CHS?
Y: Fecal matter...thanks for the visual. :-( Threaten to shit in your car? That’s a nice touch.
Jules: Yeah, it cracked me up too!
WebMiz: Every time I flush one of those high-pressure toilets in a public restroom, I have visions of a malfunction and turds flying out of the toilet.
String: Looks like you and I have similar taste in food: Fried bologna sandwiches and grilled cheese & ketchup. The first time the kids saw me eating it the went, “Ewww. That looks nasty.” Of course, they love it now. The tub/brother/turd story’s great. Cracked me up!
Nay: Yeah, that was the same Mr. White. I’d forgotten he was at our H.S. for a while!
Post a Comment