Monday, June 12, 2006

I've Been Spammed (The Old Fashioned Way)

So I checked the mail today and found, among other things, an envelope that looked a bit like it contained an invitation. When I saw the return address I got anxious:

___ Reunion Committee

…Because my cousin is actually planning a reunion of sorts for this summer sometime. Then I read the rest of the return address:

1050 Techwood Dr., NE
Atlanta, GA 30318

I don’t have family in Georgia. WTF?

Then I saw the stamp on the envelope was of the “presorted” variety. I also noticed:

************AUTO**3-DIGIT 782
And a barcode.

And knew it was bullshit.

But just because I’m a good sport, I thought I’d open the thing up. Here’s the letter in its entirety, with the last name struck out so I can maintain some semblance of anonymity.


Hi to all y’all ______ out there,

Now I know what a lot of y’all are thinking: “Brenda promised not to miss two family reunions in a row.” But I’m stick in the tar pits of Los Angeles again this year. So…everyone at the reunion will just have to make due with Mama, Daddy, my brothers, two sister-in-laws, [sic] three nephews and two nieces once again this year.

I hate these impersonal mass letters, but I figure it’s the best way for me to catch all of y’all up at once. For those of you who don’t know, I moved from Atlanta to LA last year to serve as the Deputy Chief in charge of the Los Angeles Police Department’s Priority Murder Squad. It seems that I’m doing so well at my job that I’m not on a TV show called THE CLOSER on TNT. Watch and tell me what you think about my new hairdo. The premiere of my new show is on Monday, June 12 at 9 p.m. (that’s 8 p.m. in Central) on TNT and they’re showing it with no commercials.

They have a different lifestyle out here in California: a little too laid back for my taste. And they tend to slow down some when they talk to me (I guess because of my Georgia accent and all). But the weather’s really nice, and I’m starting to make friends. I feel like I’m finally “getting into the groove,” to use one of their silly LA sayings. And, yes, they do say “Dude,” a lot. It drives me nutty.

Even though I’ve been a little lonely at times and there have been a few more work challenges than I anticipated, it’s a highly rewarding job. Not to toot my own horn, but I’ve been coaxing a lot of confessions out of suspects in the interrogation room. After watching me close case after case, I think the LAPD is glad they hired me.

Some of the folks here had a hard time accepting me at first, but I think they’re starting to get used to me. A few of these darn detectives could irritate the horns off a billygoat [sic] with their chauvinistic comments, but overall I think we’ve got a good team. I’m really proud of the work we’ve done.

In other news, I haven’t talked to Hart since we divorced, and I’m back to proudly using the ____ family name. I also have a new cat named Kitty. Oh, and please don’t tell Mama, but my FBI agent boyfriend asked me to move in with him. (Heaven knows what I’m going to do about it, but I thought y’all should know.) Don’t forget to watch “The Closer” this summer and let me know how you think I’m doing out here. Log on to to tell me what you think.

Hope you eat a big helping of Momo’s banana pudding and Aunt Valerie’s pecan pie for me. I miss y’all to death!


Brenda Leigh______

Well, I am going to log onto and I am going ot tell them what I think. It’ll have the phrase “Fuck you" placed strategucally in the email I send them.

Talk about stooping low. Up yours TNT! I’m sending the letter and the envelope to Consumer Reports in hopes that they’ll publish it!


Memory Du Jour:
1977 or so, Arizona
I was tending to our good-sized garden and, while traversing the rows of plants, I stepped on a dirt rake. The rake’s tines were facing up and, just like in the cartoons, the wooden handle snapped up and bopped me right on the freakin’ nose. Shhh…this is just between us. I haven’t confessed this blunder to many people so keep it to yourselves if you would.

Graphic Du Jour:
Boo! Boo,, boo! Still can't upload my pictures. What gives?

Search Engine Queries That Point to My Blog:
“Phantom Shitters”
“Snatch Twat”
“She Slid Her Hand Down My”
“Pork Chop Crown Royal”
“How do you handle a hungry man” “Manhandler”
“Rat Shit in Wheat”
“Cam under toilet seat movies” (WTF?)

Quotes of the Day (Rated R for my comments):
"These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by griefparrazies. I have never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much."

"By the way, how do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they'd better hurry up and appear in Playboy."

--Ann Coulter, in her new book, which I will not mention, referring to widows of those killed in the WTC attacks on September 11, 2001.

Cj comments: Who does this arrogant, anorexic cunt think she is? Wow. Talk about balls. I don’t care what the fuck your political views are, these comments were way inappropriate and deserved of a pimp slap in the fucking face. If someone in my family had died in the WTC attacks, I’d be hard pressed not to find this slithery twat and slap the fucking piss out of her.


Sheila said...

Well damn Brenda - don't you miss the fried okra and black eyed peas and corn bread? What in the hell's the matter with you?

Hope you insert lots of "fuck you's" in your response.

It's amazing how far spammers will go to dupe people.

Lol on your MDJ. Thanks for sharing! I did somthing similar once with a hoe - except it was accidentally on purpose. I thought "no need to stoop down and pick it up, I'll just place my foot just so" - then BONK right on the forehead. Ouch.

Your thoughts on Ann Coulter are 100% right on. She needs professional help.

Bunny ~N~ Early said...

This sounds like a new low in advertising. I wonder if they thought it couldn't hurt because more than a few people would believe it really was from some long lost relative and watch the show.
Speaking of lows, Ann Coulter is stooping to new fox lows. What a pathetic thing to say, especially coming from an educated woman. I can't even watch fox news anymore, it makes me sick to see grown adults name calling and acting like spoiled 6th graders. Her remarks were very immature and insensitive, exactly what I have come to expect from good christians.
Way to go Ann!

jules said...

How 'bout I hold the bitch while you slap her around a few times? I can take her skinny ass for sure.

Webmiztris said...

That is some pretty desperate spammage right there!

sorry, I can't help but laugh at that rake!

R. said...

I came across my leaf blower/vac and instruction booklet while moving.

Shit I didn't realize there was an etiquette issue. I should have sold it at the garage sale. Oh well fuck!!! I have had it for abut ten years and have maybe used it once or twice to vacuum leaves with it.

I know I'm a post late on this but just had to comment on it.

Well I have to go shower, I am stinky from yard work, and yes I swept my fucking grass trimmings instead of using my newfound toy.

StringMan said...

I could see the rake event in slow motion ... tines up, my friend :)