Thursday, July 27, 2006

Disclaimer? I hardly Know 'er

The latest edition of Consumer Reports has a small collection of really, really absurd warnings/disclaimers in their “Selling It” section. Here’s a sampling of the insanity:

SpongeBobSquarePants Iron-on Do not iron while wearing shirt.

Shaver, hair dryer, curling iron Never use while sleeping.

Cheese pizza Product becomes hot when cooked.

Cutting board Opening with sharp object may damage the product.

Hamburger press Do not operate when you are tired.

Lamp Never use this lamp around living children.

Car sunshade Vehicle should not be driven with sunshade in the window.

Travel pillow Warning: do not use for sleeping. For decorative purposes only.

These, and all those other warnings and disclaimers are a sad testament to our society.


Memory Du Jour:
Arizona, 1970-something

Once upon a time, my late best friend Mike and I were doing one of the many things we did best – Driving around aimlessly enjoying “nature” (i.e. herb). This particular day we thought it’d be a great idea to stop by the local 7-11 store to pick up a pint of Bacardi 151 and a couple of large cola Slurpees. We pulled into the store and made our purchase. I’m pretty sure we probably played a couple of games of Asteroids or Berzerk

Anyway...once back in the car, I emptied about two inches of Slurpee from my cup, replacing it with Bacardi. When I was done, I put the lid back on my cup, handed the bottle to Mike, and started the car. I started backing out of the parking spot just after Mike had poured out his two inches of Slurpee.

I pulled to the parking lot exit and waited for traffic to clear. Mike poured the 151 into the Slurpee cup – Right to the brim. After a couple of minutes, traffic was clear and I could pull out.

Before Mike had a chance to put the lid back on the cup, I punched the accelerator and bolted out of the parking lot into the southbound lane of 51st Avenue. At that very instant, the Bacardi 151 that had been pooled, unmixed, at the top of Mikes cup emptied right onto his crotch.

He uttered a few expletives directed at me. I laughed like a best friend is supposed to, and continued driving down the road. Mike’s look of incredulity turned shortly to one of discomfort, followed by outright pain. He cussed, bitched, called me names, and cussed some more as the 151 proof (75.5% alcohol) Rum did bad things to his “package.”

He tossed the Slurpee cup out the window. Then, he pulled his pants/underwear down and fanned his crotch with his hands in a vain attempt to stop the excruciating pain that had befallen his bidness. Laugh? I thought I’d fucking die!!!

But wait...There's more. Next thing you know, he’s squirming and contorting his body in such a way that his pelvis was square in the middle of the open passenger window, and his frank and motherfucking beans were hanging out the window in the 50+ mph breeze.

I was in tears. Try to picture a 1973 Opel GT speeding down the road with a hysterical driver, and a bitching/moaning passenger hanging his wet manbusiness out the window.

I wonder now how many people witnessed that. How many psyches were scarred beyond repair? How many serial killers were borne of that sight? Frightening. I’m so sorry now. So very, very sorry – NOT!

Mike, you fucker, it’s still hilarious after all these years!

Quote of the Day:
“I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.” –Jack Handy

Graphic Du Jour:
States I've lived in or have visited. Give it a try here.


Miss Cellania said...

That story painted a wild picture for me! I hope your friend recovered in a timely fashion. Spectators may have been scarred for life!

Webmiztris said...

lmfao at that story! you sound like someone who would be superfun to hang out with, karlos!

and I'm wondering about the lamp - is it OK to use it around dead children? I just want to be clear. ;)

R. said...

I loved your memory today. Brought the visual to me and made me laugh.

Love you Mr. Karlos!!!

The_Gator said...

LMAO...that was just hilarious. Some poor kid is probably seeing a therapist now because of that incident...and maybe mike too.

I have been to most of the states you have. The only difference is i havent been very far north.


Caryn said...

GREAT list of quotes from businesses! They cracked me up. I'm curious about the map--are the red ones the states you've lived in/visited, or are those the gray ones?

Karlos said...

MissCellania: It was wild. So funny! The odd thing about it is that I can’t remember anything after that. I have no idea where we ended up, or how he paid me back (I’m sure he did).

WebMiz: I thought the same thing about the lamp! I’m not so sure I’m as nuts as I used to be once upon a time, but it’s still in me :-)

Nay: I can hear your infectious, fun laugh now! Love you too dear.

Gator: Yeah....someone was surely ruined as a result of that incident!

Caryn: Those quotes really are insane. There were more, but those were the best. As for the map....The gray states are the ones I have not visited. Thanks for stopping by!

Bunny ~N~ Early said...

The disclaimer for the lamp was my favorite by far. I may be the only one able to find the humor there but I LMAO.
Memory Du Jour:
Those really were the days, talk about living free. I'm sorry I missed that show. Mike was always up for what ever. I recall Ney talking him into going trick or treating with us when we were all around 16 and very stoned. We went as ghosts in sheets. His sheet was a little short and he was told he was a little big to be trick or treating.

jules said...

Damn, THAT's why I'm so scarred? I remember seeing you!

Karlos said...

Y: The lamp disclaimer seems to be the crowd favorite! Yeah..those were the days. I remember the Halloween story. Either Nay or Mike told it to me. Did you ever wonder what happened to Mike’s daughter? I think about her every so often. Her name was Aimee (think that’s how they spelled it). I’d love to one day be able to tell her fun stories about her pop.

Jules: LOL! Yeah....that’d do it for sure!

jules said...

What, you got something against the Northern states?

Karlos said...

LOL. No...I just never had a reason to head up to that neck of the woods. One day before I croak I'd like to go to a few places up there.