Friday, January 23, 2009

TMI

Forgive my candor, but I simply must vent.

This afternoon, around 2:00pm, I strolled to the men’s room to part with a nice, hefty shit. The whole thing was uneventful, wholly unremarkable, and not worthy of a play-by-play recap.

What was remarkable was that I picked up a passenger during my brief stay. Apparently a misguided, biting parasite decided it needed a lift somewhere – in my fucking underwear! Next thing you know, I have an angry itch on one of my delicate butt cheeks. Then another…and another.

The drive to Walgreens from work to get a tube of Benadryl ointment was seemingly endless. The drive home was even longer.

So what I want to know is what kind of blood-sucking insect lives in a bathroom, hops in your shorts, and dines on tender ass flesh? I know it wasn’t a flea, because the welts were simply too large, like spider bites. But…I don’t think it was a spider, because I don’t know if a spider would survive all the sitting, scratching, shifting and such. They’re delicate, aren’t they? Even more delicate than my ass flesh, aren’t they?

Oh. If you’ve never tried it, a hairbrush is the most wonderful itch-scratching device ever. I’ve been using them for fleas, mosquitoes and chiggers for years.

Fret not, loyal readers; between the hairbrush, the Benadryl and the whisky, I should be okay tonight!

China
Death Sentences in China Tainted Milk Case. Read, bitches, read.

And Then There's
This chick named Kirsten Lepore. She's an animator, and a good on. Not that my opinion matters or anything, but here's a fun video.

7 comments:

flyinfox-satx said...

That was probably the most remarkable story I read all night! Holy shit!

Looks like I will be holding it until I get home...I don't need another San Antonio native biting my ass.

Shelley said...

Dude! I think you were just saying that to give me a reason for putting your hands down your shorts while driving the car!!!

Sorry 'bout the boo-boos!

Kirsten Lepore is good - but Don Hertzfeldt is great!

Be sure you check where you put that tender ass of yours!

lu

Woozie said...

You picked up a tick on a shitter? Oh wow. I'm never taking a dump in Texas.

unokhan said...

snakes in a john!

Carlos said...

FlyinFox: Yeah man. Imagine experiencing it!

Shelley: You're onto me!

Wooz: You better make sure you vacate your bowels before crossing the state. It takes about 15 hours.

unokhan: Dude. Let's start filming soon!

Anonymous said...

Hope you don't have to end up shaving your ass to lose the critter. Razor burn's a bitch!

Tripping

Carlos said...

Tripping: LOL! All is well now. I think I'm gonna live, but I'm going to stay the fuck out of that bathroom!