Thursday, November 03, 2005

BUENAS NOCHES

Or "Beans 'N Nachos" as Fred Sanford used to say.

I’m so glad I don’t live in Missouri. The fact that this moron politician (is there any other type?) chose a life of politics in a state that does not start with a “T” and end with an E-X-A-S eases my mind and has saved me the trouble of blasting him with a Moron-Gram.

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I have a friend named Elliott. We used to work together before both moving on to new adventures. He’s a great friend.

A few years ago Elliott and I drove from Corpus Christi to South Padre Island for business. It’s just shy of a three-hour drive. Route 77 is a divided highway and one of the dullest stretches of highway I’ve ever driven.

One trip, as we were driving south on 77, just north of Sarita, TX I spied a flock of grackles eating bugs on the right shoulder. I swerved slightly to the right, feigning an attempt to squash the noisy black birds. I brought the car back into the traffic lane and, before I could say anything or even get in a good evil laugh, Elliott said something like, “That’s fucked up man.” I laughed at him like only a true friend can, “And why is that dickhead?” He replied, “That is gonna be in your movie man.”

As soon as I saw the expression on his face, I knew one great big pile of bullshit was a few seconds from spewing from Elliott’s pie-hole. He explained it to me in mock gravity. In a nutshell:

Right after you die, you’re led to a movie theater, not to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. When you walk into the dimly lit theater, you notice that there are people in the seats, but can’t make out the faces of the people. You wonder why you’ve got a seat in the front, off to the side. The audience, as you find out later, is comprised of all your close friends and family who have gone before you. Then the movie starts...but, instead of a Hollywood movie coming on, a movie of your life comes on; not a movie of your entire life, but an account of all the bad things you did during the course of your life. It doesn’t only include bad things like murder, but also things like pretending to run over birds, playing doctor with the neighbor girl or banging a farm animal. At the end of your movie, your friends and family give their vote – Thumbs-up or thumbs-down. And so your fate is decided.

He never told me what happens if you get a unanimous thumbs-down vote, and I never asked. I kind of like the idea of Elizabeth New Jersey serving as hell. :-)

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Something just occurred to me Sunday night while I was smoking...some chicken, that is. The number seventeen keeps coming to mind. Not in any specific context, it’s just there. Definitely makes me go “Hmmmm.”

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I found a pretty funny B*og I thought I’d share with you. Check it out. Thug Life ain’t got nothin’ on this life.

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Photo Du Jour (not really, but I just don’t have much interesting to write about :-(

1977 or 1978 at a high school
Sweeetheart Dance

Me in 1990 at a ten year reunion.
The flash makes me look way pale!

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Guest Quote of the Day:
When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car. – Jack Handy

12 comments:

rlb3773 said...

Dude, if what Elliot said is true. I am in some serious trouble. That was a little fucked up to try and run over the poor little grackles. Big meanie! Everytime I smoke chicken, I make all kinds of new discoveries. Love the side parted hair in the 70's photo. The quote of the day is so funny. Thanks for the laugh!

We sing we dance we steal things said...

I am with Rlb3773 on this one, we're talking some serious embarrassment at the very least! While I enjoyed Elliot's take on the whole death thing, I would be curious to know if your loved ones get to watch it ALL. What get's a thumbs up? I mean Butt sex may get a thumbs down but if you give it for like a Christmas gift or maybe trade it for a much needed new car would that change it to a thumbs up?
Thanks
Luv Tard 2

We sing we dance we steal things said...

I think butt sex is a total thumbs up, but (pun) the value of the car does come into play, I am not cheap. Farm animals are also a thumbs up as long as they are gratified also. Sheep, they let me know it's good, they say Maaaaaa, Maaaaa. Poultry excluded.
Matt

Carlos said...

RLB: I think we’re all in serious trouble if the whole movie thing is true...BIG trouble! But then again, who says our ancestors were as pure and innocent as we think they were? Hell, I may have a great-grand-aunt up there who despises grackles, or a granny that was just a total freak back in the old west days!

~Y~: Good point. I’ll have to send Elliott an email and ask him a few questions. I’m not sure that trading butt sex for a car would always get a thumbs-up, but that depends on how many ancestors in the audience were analholics, and why you needed the car (kids to school, work, or just flash). Giving it as a Christmas gift might fly unless there are a lot of Jews or Buddhists in the audience. Oh, and it would depend on the type of butt sex too. Plain vanilla butt sex might elicit a thumbs-up, but someone who staples a “Rodents Drink Free – All night!” sign to a butt cheek to entice rodents might not be met with the same approval.

Matt: I’m with you. Thumbs up, especially when given as a gift, or just because it’s Tuesday. I suppose farm animal love has its place if you really need a new wool coat, or some milk for Christmas cookies or something thereabouts!

Cj

We sing we dance we steal things said...

King Tard, I can't believe you posted Cj's last B/day gift from Ney on his blog for the whole world to see. I recall a few posts back he told her how much he liked it. Have some cooth man.

reneegrrrrrrrr said...

Is that Karen Newell in the picture with the bar over her face?

Carlos said...

Yes it is. I wonder what happened to her? What was that other Karen's name? The blond one that lived by Acoma park?

reneegrrrrrrrr said...

I don't remember the other Karen? I do but I don't. If I remember right the Karen on Acoma happened to be in Texas when I was living in Austin. (Oh it just came to me, Moyer) I bumped into her I think at Cardis, I never did like the Karen Moyer but Karen N. was my buddy. She got divorced and ~Y~'s oldest friend/more like sister married the jerk and he is a tweaker now and is a complete fuck up and unfortunately she has to deal with him cause they have kids. As far as Karen is, the last I heard from her she was living in Lake Tahoe and had a daughter and I think she was struggling as a single mom. That was about 20 years ago. I would love to hear from Karen, she was a funny gal.

Carlos said...

Yes. It was Karen Moyer. She was a flake. I kinda liked her there for a short while, but she was too whacko for even me!

Karen Newell was a sweetheart. Weren’t her parents pretty fucked up? I seem to remember they were a little off center, and not in a good way like we are. They were really strict and were jerks. I hope she’s doing well.

reneegrrrrrrrr said...

Actually her parents died and it was her MEAN aunt and uncle raising her. She left their house to get away from them and end up with the now tweaker John. They initially lived with his parents then got an apartment in the same complex as ~Y~ and he use to beat on her and she finally got out of that relationship.

Carlos said...

Okay....now I remember it was her aunt/uncle raising her. How did her parents die?

reneegrrrrrrrr said...

I don't recall how they died. But aunt and uncle were extremely MEAN!!! I don't know that she ever shared that information. I don't recall her telling sotries about her parents either. Thats kind of strange. I wonder if there isn't another story as to why she was with aunt/unlce? I know as a foster parent my kids called me aunt nay. Hmmm

Todays word veificaton has a bit of a twillight zone feel to it: cjmomew