Thursday, February 16, 2006

A Polack Goes Into a Drugstore....

And goes up to the counter with his box of condoms in preparation for his first sexual encounter. The cashier rings them up and announces that they'll cost $5.50. The Pole responds, "How can it be $5.50? The price tag says $5.00. What's the extra fifty cents for?"

Cashier: "Tax."
Pole: "Ahh....I always wondered how they stayed on.

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Speaking of tacks...

We got our tax return back from the preparer yesterday.
Apparently, the fourteen thousand dollars we paid this year in federal income tax was two thousand dollars less than Uncle Sam needed to keep our country going.

I suppose I should be grateful. I suppose I should have visions of my $16,000 going to support noble and real causes such as these porkbarrell beauties that were budgeted in 2005:

$469,000 for the National Wild Turkey Federation (NWTF)
$335,000 for cranberry/blueberry disease and breeding in New Jersey.
$100,000 added by the House at the request of House appropriator John Peterson (R-Pa.) for the Punxsutawney Weather Discovery Center Museum.
$300,000 for wool research (Mont., Texas, and Wyo.). Wool prices are improving to levels that have not been seen for 8-10 years. The low value of the U.S. dollar has led to an increase in exports, giving the wool industry cause for optimism. Since 1984, $4.6 million has been appropriated for this research.

These are but some of the examples of how my money might be spent next year. And if that weren’t a noble enough list of projects funded by OUR tax dollars, check out the 2005
Oinker Awards.

Source of information: Citizens Against Government Waste

Fucking government fuckers.

Get off your asses and communicate with your representatives.

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Memory Du Jour:
When I was 14 I hijacked my mom’s car to go visit my girlfriend, who lived way out by the White Tank Mountains. I elicited my little sister’s help. (I needed her to help me push the car out the driveway and for moral support.)

My sister and I started the 16 mile drive to my girlfriend’s house at around midnight. After our arrival at the girlfriend’s house, I slinked up to her bedroom window and we talked for a grand total of about 10 minutes.

Our drive home took us through the then thriving metropolis (Not!) of Litchfield Park. My sister and I talked about whatever 14-year-olds and their 12-year-old sisters talk about at the wee, wee hours of the morning while driving their mother’s car without permission. Whatever we were talking about, it was sufficient to distract me from a particular intersection with a four-way stop.

I didn’t realize there was a stop sign until I was about a third of the way through the intersection. I slammed on the brakes (no screeching) and, for some dumb 14-year-old reason, I backed up for a do-over. After making a perfectly legal stop the second time around, I continued through the intersection. Not surprisingly, I was soon panicking at the sight of flashing cop lights in the rear-view mirror.

Cop: Can I see your driver’s license?
Me: Umm. I left it at home.
Cop: How old are you son?
Me: 14.
Cop: Step out of the car please.

My mom got the phone call at about 1:30am: “You must be mistaken, my son is in bed asleep.” I wasn’t.

So Mom had to get a coworker to pick her up and drive her out to Litchfield Park to pick up her kids and her car. I don’t remember much about our first meeting that night, but I do know that I was scared shitless.

My sentence at Juvenile Court was 80 hours of community service. A severe grounding was my sentence at home. I still make myself stay home on some Fridays/Saturdays as part of my sentence...more frequently the older I get.

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Quote of the Day:
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. -- Jack Handey

7 comments:

Webmiztris said...

you badass!! I never did anything all that bad in my teen years besides skipping school a couple of times. I'm such a square...lol

reneegrrrrrrrr said...

I thought I left a comment this morning :(

Carlos said...

WebMiz: Not me. I was the perfect angel...except for the car incident... and the retard incident ... and the time I had a few screwdrivers before going in to a parent/principal conference in high school after some numbskull told me "you can't smell vodka." Okay. That's enough ;-)

James: You're welcome. I love reading stories like this, especially the ones from back in AZ in the 70s. Keg parties, Molly's Nipple, Skunk Creek, South Mountain Park, North Mountain Park, The Flumes, etc.

Nay: That sucks! Does that mean no do-overs?

We sing we dance we steal things said...

That was a great story, and too funny. I have a white tanks story too. Was that a teen aged jinks or what. I mean, there was nothing there but trouble.

Whistler71 said...

Polack jokes rock! CJ did you at least get some from the girl you went to see? Great story!!

Carlos said...

Y: Did you ever go to the spring in the White Tanks? I don’t know if it was an actual spring, but there was somewhere to swim from what I remember people telling me. I never went...just heard about it.

Whistler: I got nothing! Just talked to her through the window screen! What a loser! :-)

Ivy the Goober said...

Oh boy, I have a strange feeling this is something my daughter will do some day. My husband has been teaching her how to drive since she was 11. I'm so afraid some night she'll just take off with the car!