Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Bonzai!

Have any of you seen that MTV show Date My Mom? That show is in the running for #1 Piece of Shit on my Piece of Shit TV Show List. My kids like to watch it, and I’m forced to suffer through it. Actually, it’s so bad it’s fucking funny. If you’ve never seen it, you owe it to yourself to watch it. It’s a sorry excuse for a reality show. Trouble is, that the thing is horribly scripted, and even more horribly acted; kinda like George Bush does his public speaking, only worse. I understand the people aren’t actors, but in that case, the idiots who produce it should let the people just talk. I can’t stand to talk about it any more. Watch it and you’ll see what I mean. Oh, today’s show is with gay dudes; even more ridiculous than the ordinary mix of people.

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David Hasselhoff anyone?

Mantastic!

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Memory Du Jour:
Key West, FL, 1983
It was a Wednesday night, $.50 Kamikaze Night, at Durty Harry's bar, a really small place back then. It pretty mellow, unlike the way it looks on the web page. Anyway...There was an acoustic guitar player entertaining while a friend and I pounded kamikazes. There was a cute, blond hippy looking chick dancing on the little dance floor. She had a white, cotton, hippy dress on, a nice tan, and a white hippy cast from her elbow to her wrist. She was cute, but way wiped.

She came up and started talking to us. Then she asked if I wanted to dance. I don’t remember what the guitar player was playing, but it sure as fuck wasn’t dance music. But we danced; slow danced. And my olfactory nerves were punished with the pungent stench of her B.O. It was foul.

Every time her back was to the guitar player, I made two gestures to him: 1) The international signal for stop, a slashing motion across my throat; and 2) I held my nose, shook my head and grimaced. Anyone smarter than Jessica Simpson would understand. He did too, only he laughed and kept on playing. Just when I thought the song was over, he dedicated his next one to the “beautiful couple on the dance floor.” I thought I was gonna die. Finally it was over. I went back to my bar stool and ‘splained it to my friend who thought it was hilarious.

An hour or so later she came up behind me and said something like, “C'mon, let's dance again.” I swiveled the bar stool around about 90 degrees and politely declined, never letting on that I thought she smelled worse than an anchovy’s cunt.

Then I turned back to the bar. Not satisfied with my answer, she grabbed me by my elbow and spun me around 180 degrees until I was facing her. She slid her hand down my forearm, took hold of my hand and leaned back with almost all her weight (probably about 100lbs) in an attempt to raise me from my perch and onto the dance floor.

Being extremely intoxicated, and not quite up to dancing with stinky, I let go. She tried to catch herself, backpedaling and flailing her arms. She landed on a small 3’x3’ table, which slid along the floor and into another table. Chairs, tables, smelly girl and all were scattered all over the floor. I looked at my friend and said, “Let’s get outta here.” And that we did.

Quote of the Day:
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. -- Woody Allen

11 comments:

Boobless Brigade Master said...

Yeah, Daisy and I watched that show once and quickly turned the channel.
We do, however, sometimes watch the Parental Control one...boring most times and damn funny at other times.
Love the Memory Du'Jour...I've got many of those types about the Tiki Bar and some kick ass $5 Rummer Runners!

CoolSpongeBob said...

I have seen it long enough to decide that it was stupid, which wasn't very long.

I did watch the Prental Contol, which was bearable, but still painful. The episiode I watched had the daughter dumping the long-time bf for the guy she went on one "date" with. I wonder how that will work out....

Webmiztris said...

I've watched Date My Mom... you're right - it's hilarious because it's so bad! The moms are usually extremely skanky too...gross

love the memory today...damn BO hippies! I'd like hippies if they weren't so damn smelly! lol

jules said...

You left her ass up in the air didn't you?

StringMan said...

What a fantastic Hasselhoff moment! No wonder the guy is huge in Germany :)

Funny Key West story. I would have done the exact same thing as the guitar player! Just watch your ass suffer the skank. Ha!

I love Key West. Duval St is the best.

Ivy the Goober said...

Smelly girl was the guitar player's sister. ;)

Whistler71 said...

I do not have the luxury of any channels other than my local tv stations.. Sounds like a cheap laugh though!! I am starting to think that you had an amazing life, Carlos...

Carlos said...

BrigadeMaster I haven’t seen Parental Control yet. I’m surprised The Girl isn’t watching it. You should share some of your Tiki Bar stories. Where is it?

CoolSponge: It doesn’t take long to make the decision about Date My Mom, that’s for sure. I watch it for the sheer idiocy value now, and only when The Girl is watching it.

WebMiz: Stinky hippie chicks…it was a shame, because she really was cute.

Jules: I left her ass on the ground between tables and chairs ;-)

String: I KNEW you’d appreciate Hasselhoff. What is it about guitar players? Sadists the lot of you.

Ivy: I knew someone would figure it out! She had to be his sister. He felt sorry for her (cuz he knew she was stinky) and played as long as he could in hopes that the person she was dancing with would eventually get used to the stench and accept her as any olfactorily challenged person would.

Kimbolicious: Damn. I can’t remember the last time I had local-only TV. My life has been fairly interesting. I don’t know about amazing, but it’s been fun so far. Come visit some time and I’ll buy you a beer at Texas Ice and tell you about Panama :-)

Whistler71 said...

CJ! What is Texas Ice?

We sing we dance we steal things said...

If there's one thing I can't stand it's a scripted reality show. We usually watch the history channel, discovery or news. I loved The Memory du jour, if I was the guitar player I would have done the same thing lol. Maybe you should have taken her out back and hosed her off.

Carlos said...

Kimbo: It’s an ice house on Blanco road. Used to have the coldest beer in town.

Y: For every minute of “Date My Mom” I watch, I have to watch an hour of Discovery or History Channel. Fortunately the kids think that show is as stupid as I do.

I didn’t think about a hosing. In my next life I’ll call you if I get into a predicament like that!