Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Puertas del Infierno

Surely I can’t be the only one who wonders why the hell some business establishments lock one half (usually the right half as you're going out) of the swinging double doors that serve as the main portal to their business. In our country, the logical way to exit is through the right half of the door right? Kinda like when you’re approaching someone head-on in a mall – My natural reaction is to steer to the right (dweebs who go left are fodder for another rant).

Anyway…Quite some years ago, sometime after I’d crashed into my first door on the way out of a business, I thought the practice of locking the right half of a pair of swinging doors might’ve been a clever way to slow down crooks as they made their getaway. But, the more I crashed into locked doors, the more I realized it wasn’t such a smart idea. I mean, if I were an armed, sociopathic crook making a quick, post-robbery exit with a sack o’ booty to quench my crack or OE-800 habit, I’d be mightily pissed if I cracked my forehead or knee on the way out of the store. Further, I might be inclined to hold the store proprietor personally responsible and commence to pistol whipping him.

So what precipitated this rant? I’ll tell you what: Sunday morning The Warden and I went out for a killer Mexican food breakfast (I had a migas plate and a bean/chorizo taco). After paying, I coolly turned for the door, carefully manipulating an unflavored toothpick between my fangs. I lowered my sunglasses over my eyes, reached for the handle, and….bam! Stopped cold. “Shit” was all I could muster. Unlike cats, who are adept at seamlessly recovering from supreme acts of looking stupid, I resigned myself to a clunky exit.

Someone make it all make sense. Someone save me. Save that errant proprietor from the frowning of a lifetime and ‘splain it all to me. Why? Why do they do it? Why do they lock half the door?

“Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage.” Ya think? Read this.

Someone visited my blog on Sunday from the Federal Bureau of Prisons. Seems my little blog came up on page seventeen of a Google image search (unfiltered, of course) for “South Padre Beach Babes.” I wonder if it was a prisoner or an employee.



renee255 said...

Carlos the answer is easy the employees lock one door for entertainment. :0)

Bunny ~N~ Early said...

I can't believe you posted about "The evil Texas right hand door lock maneuver" That's probably one of the only things I don't miss about Texas. Really, I had it happen to me there more than anywhere else, and I too wondered why the hell lock only one door? If your anal and absolutely have to lock that one door, why on earth would it be the one on the right? Because you say...
Anytime you lock one door going in or coming out at some point it's going to be on your right.
Proof beyond doubt that it's a conspiracy to mess with your ego and every now and again if you have a nose like mine a little drive to the plastic surgeon is not unheard of.
We need T -shirts to state our position, enough is enough!

The_Gator said...

You best be careful my friend...you may end up someones senorita....kinda scary...

wait...youve posted your pictures on here....oooo carlos...dont drop the soap.

Woozie said...

I love the Perry Bible Fellowship, there's so many good ones. People get turned off when I tell them it's the Perry Bible Fellowship, though.

Marcia (MeeAugraphie) said...

They do that in Florida do, I used to walk out of the stores mad every time.

Webmiztris said...

ha! i hate when they lock one side of the door too. I'm think they do it purely for the entertainment value of watching people look stupid running into it all day...lol!