Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Tib's Eve

Happy Tib's Eve to all three (or is it two now?) loyal readers.

Ever see one of these? I know you have. I think I fucked with every one in Southern California and the Phoenix area when I was a young'n.

Now for a few of my all-time favorite George Carlin quotes:

"Regarding public Christmas displays: At some point, someone who worked at Rockefeller Center must have said, 'Boys, I have a great idea for Christmas. Let's kill a beautiful tree that's been alive for seventy-five years and bring it to New York City. We'll stand it up in Rockefeller Plaza and conceal its natural beauty by hanging shiny, repulsive, man-made objects on it, and let it stand there slowly dying for several weeks while simpleminded children stare at it and people from Des Moines take pictures of it. That way, perhaps we can add our own special, obscene imprint to Christmas in Midtown.' "

"That's another complaint of mine - too much use of this prefix 'pre.' It's all over the language now — 'pre' -this, 'pre' -that, place the turkey in a 'pre-heated' oven. It's ridiculous! There are only two states an oven can possibly exist in: Heated or unheated! "Pre-heated" is a meaningless fucking term! It's like 'pre-recorded' — 'This program was pre-recorded.' Well, of course it was pre-recorded! When else are you gonna record it, afterwards? That's the whole purpose of recording; to do it beforehand! Otherwise it doesn't really work, does it? 'Pre-existing,' 'pre-planning,' 'pre-screening' — you know what I tell these people? Pre-suck my genital situation! And they seem to understand what I'm talking about."

"If a fetus is a human being, how come the census doesn't count them? If a fetus is a human being, how come when there's a miscarriage they don't have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come people say 'We have two children and one on the way' instead of saying 'We have three children?' People say life begins at conception. I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. Continuous, just keeps rolling along."

"You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there."

"I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country."

"Here's another one of these civic customs: swearing on the Bible. Do you understand that shit? They tell you to raise your right hand, place your left hand on the Bible. Does this stuff really matter? Which hand? Does God really give a fuck about details like this? Suppose you put right hand on the Bible, you raise your left hand. Would that count? Or would God say: 'Sorry, wrong hand! Try again!' Why does one hand have to be raised? What is the magic in this gesture? This seems like some sort of a primitive voodoo mojo stick. Why not put your left hand on the Bible, let your right hand hang down by your side? That's more natural. Or put it in your pocket. That's what your mother used to say. 'Don't put your hands in your pockets!' Does she know something we don't know? Is this hand shit really important? Let's get back to the Bible: America's favorite national theatrical prop. Suppose the Bible they hand you to swear on is upside-down. Or backward. Or both! And you swear to tell the truth on an upside-down backward Bible. Would that count? Suppose the Bible they hand you is an old Bible and half the pages are missing. Suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible, in an American court! Or Braille Bible, and you're not blind! Suppose they hand you an upside-down backward Chinese Braille Bible and half the pages missing! At what point does all of this stuff just break down and become just a lot of stupid shit that somebody made up? They fucking made it up, folks! It's make-believe!"

"One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict."

"I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm!"

"The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains."
"There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it."

"I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better."

3 comments:

TC said...

Sorry I haven't been around; changes have made it so that I can't access the internet during the day, and with me being sick and it being the holidays, I'm rarely online.

But when I do get around, I'll still be reading :)

Rimpy said...

Carlin was one of the great ones.

Rimpy said...

Re: the tube tester: oh, yes. Brings back memories. Hard to believe there was a time when you could service your own TV, stereo or whatnot.