Monday, August 04, 2014

Ya Know...

I used to fancy myself as agnostic.  Yesterday I had an epiphany.  I think it was a long time in coming.

I've decided to define myself as an unapologetic atheist.  I had the change of heart yesterday after speaking to my daughter, who had called to tell me that Cleo, my late mother's wonderful, sweet cat wasn't doing so well.  A couple of weeks ago the vet told us she had squamous cell carcinoma on her neck, and that it was untreatable.  Poor Cleo can hardly eat, and has lost a canine tooth, to go along with the few that the vet pulled two weeks ago. 

In addition to taking my grandfather, my mother, my best friend, and a few other people I know and have worked with over the years, cancer is going to take my mother's cat.  While the Cleo has lived a long happy life (She's 17), I can't help but wonder Why the fuck cancer?

A religious person might tell me that God has a reason for it.  Bullshit.
He may also tell me I'm being tested.  Also bullshit.

So yesterday I felt a lot of the feelings I felt when my mom was on her last mile.  I couldn't stop thinking of Cleo, and my stomach felt like it would if I were plunging down a steep roller coaster. 

All the cruelty in the world - the death, the lying, cheating and dishonesty, has motivated me to completely divest myself of believing there is any supreme being anywhere.  What kind of god pulls this kind of shit?  Right.  There isn't one.  Just a few books in which some dudes talked about a god.  And then those books were revised over the years to suit the times.  All a bunch of hooey.

I do not; however, believe we just stop existing when we die.  I like to think we become something else...that our energy takes on a different form and we exist in perpetuity somewhere.  Where?  I have no fucking idea.  Why do I believe that?  Probably because it makes me feel better about my short time on this earth.

5 comments:

Denis Verdecia said...

You are part of the way there my friend. I have come to believe that there is a god. Just not the god of the bible we have been brainwashed with. It's like playing the SIMS video game. In their world, you are God. You just don't really give a shit as to what their outcome is. It is what it is. I believe that there is a power, a force that is beyond us. Beyond our comprehension. And like you, I believe that our energy goes elsewhere.

But yeah...God of the Bible? That's bullshit!

Carlos said...

Good words, my friend. Thank you. I suppose we'll all find out soon enough, eh?

Just feeling a little bitter the last couple of days. We had to put the old kitty to sleep a few hours after that post of mine. It broke our hearts. Great way to spend a lunch hour from work. In the end, she's better off. She wasn't doing so well, and I know the grief and bitterness is simply the inherent selfishness in all of us that doesn't want to be without someone or something we love.

Bullshit? Yes. Religion has been so badly perverted over the years it's sickening. I see these huge mega churches all over town and wonder how much of their wealth they use to feed and clothe the poor and indigent. I also wonder how Jesus would feel if he saw the lavish lifestyles these "messengers of God" are living. Shouldn't they be having their little parties in modest structures, using the money they gather for Jesusy stuff like helping people who need it? I suppose in an increasingly redneck, ignorant, self-absorbed society, that would be just a little too pussylike.

Susanna Carter Cline said...

I am so sorry for your losses.

I call myself an Agnostic Atheist, I don't believe in a god, but hey I could be wrong.......

Carlos said...

Oooh...I like that, Susanna. An agnostic atheist :-)

Thank you for your kindness.

Reverend Hornibastard said...

I had an epiphany once.

I immediately sought medical advice.

My doctor recommended that it be removed ASAP. Fortunately, it proved to be non-malignant.

I now keep my epiphany in a jar on my credenza for all to see.