Saturday, September 08, 2007

Old Ladies, Visitors, and Dumbasses

The other day I went to the grocery store for a few things. Whilst I was fingering some vegetables a voice, directed at me, said, “Excuse me son. Would you be a dear and hand me one of those fat jalapeño peppers up there?” I looked to my left and spied an elderly woman straddling one of those grocery cart/g-cart combo rigs. She had an amazingly disarming smile that made me feel all warm and mushy inside. I beamed a big ol’ smile right back at her and said, “I most certainly will do that for you.” I plucked out the fattest, beautifulest jalapeñoest jalapeño I could find and handed it to her. “Thank you so much,” she said, the smile never having left her kind face.

I’m a sucker for an old lady.

Someone’s Coming to Town
And it ain’t Santa
An old dear friend will be rolling through town in a couple of weeks. I’ve known this friend since I was seventeen. That’s just about 28 years ago. We lost touch a few times over the years, but are back in touch for what I hope will be a long time. She’s the kind of person I’d like to have living down the street. Someone I'd like my kids to know, so they could pick up her wry sense of humor, and have a new "aunt" to love. Someone I’d like to have as a neighbor in the same old folks home.

She and her traveling companions (mammal and electronic) will be here just for an overnighter.

Do ya know who it is?


Dear Dumbass
1. Do not get on the freeway doing 40MPH.

2. Do not slow down to 45MPH right before you exit the freeway. That's what ramps are for.

3. Blinkers Before Brakes. Live it, learn it – dumbass.

4. Tailgating me isn’t going to make me get out of your way. In fact, it’ll most likely make me maintain my speed, slow down a little, or alter my speed just to make your pathetic little life a little more miserable.

5. Go the speed limit. Because you’re a dumbass, driving 10MPH under the speed limit doesn’t mean you’re any safer in a light drizzle.

6. Some people aren’t wired to multitask. Do a little self-assessment and count how many times you get flipped off or honked at while on the cell phone as opposed to when you’re off the cell phone. Do this for a month, tally the totals, and stop talking on the fucking phone if you get honked/flipped more while on the phone.

7. Unless you’re traveling long distances, going 15mph over the speed limit ain’t gonna get you to work much faster than you would get there at the speed limit. Here’s a little exercise dumbass:

Drill #1: Drive to work
-The distance is approximately 11 miles between exits
-I’m averaging 65MPH.
-You’re averaging 80MPH.
-I’ll get there in 10.154 minutes.
-You’ll get there 8.25 minutes - a whopping fucking 1.904 minutes ahead of me.
-That means you’ll average about 7.9968 hours more work than I do per year, which means absolutely nothing because we’re both on salary, dumbass.

Drill #2: Drive to Tucson from San Antonio
-The distance, according to Google Maps, is 869 miles.
-I average 70MPH, factoring in the two stops I’ll make.
-You average 85MPH.
-I’ll get there in 12.414 hours
-You’ll get there in 10.224 hours.
-That’s a full 2.19 hours ahead of me!
-You may burn more gas than I do, but the benefit is clear. Speeding on the open highway pays off and, in my opinion, is worth the risk of a ticket.


Shelley said...

You sound a little perturbed at drivers. Having problems lately? Go home after work, have a little brown wine, and chill. Call someone while you are driving and get your mind on something sweet instead of the dickheads on the road. Good luck driving this week.

Arlene said...

Hahahaha, I love the drills!!!!
Such a sweet guy, gettin' the old lady her jalapeno :-)
Who's coming to visit??? You can't leave us hanging like that!

Margaret said...

I'm glad you're a sucker for us old ladies. =O)

I'm feeling it.. hard. Bench pressing the 4-0 with every ounce of umph that I have.

Please postpone Tuesday.

Eeeew, do you have to deal with such nutty traffic also?

Bunny ~N~ Early said...

Oh - oh - I wanna guess- pick me- oh pick me!


I hope when I'm old some kind young stud will give me a pecker.

I mean pepper.

Carlos said...

Shelley: Angry. The word is angry. ;-) I just have no tolerance for morons on the road, which is so contrary to my demeanor of old. I used to be such a patient soul. Now? Pfft. Had plenty of brown wine Saturday night. Paid all day yesterday.

Arlene: I’m pleased you found the drills educational ;-) Thank my mom. She gave me that very same drill back when I was first learning to drive in 1975 or so.

Margie: 40? Puhlease! Hope you have an awesome birthday fellow Virgo!

Bunny~n~Early: Ding ding ding! You win! You so smart ;-) Nay will be here, as you probably already know, on Sunday for a quick visit before she continues her drive to F-L-A. Looking forward to seeing her immensely and having her meet the familia.

Webmiztris said...

i love that you did the driving math down there at the bottom of this!

I definitely have to agree with all of those driving rules!

The_Gator said...

damnit NEY was gonna be my guess..i didnt even finish reading the damn post coz i wanted to guess.

Flyinfox_SATX said...

I am a sucker for old ladies too! Time to show some respect.

Thanks for the cool link...The Beatles Rock!

You should try driving on the LIE in New York...If you can survive that? You can survive anything.


Woozie said...

Is your old friend Adolf Hitler?

renee255 said...

Hitler, ha, ha!! Is that who is visiting? Your description doesn't sound anything like that! Shame on you woozie!!!